Saturday, March 14, 2009

Boxing up feelings to survive rape

Emotions first went into a box buried deep where it would have stayed. They're back in a box again though processed this time. My internal landscape is certainly a different one.It is hard to rehash and I really can't and won't go deeply into it. I don't think that anybody who hasn't been through this hell can understand what it does to you. I can only explain that I am not the same person anymore. Perhaps that is why this happened to me: a trial to strengthen me and because God knew that I could be the one to bring this thing out into the open. I have felt forsaken by God and that maybe there is no God but a punishing God is better than no God. In retrospect, I see that I was too naive and my whole view of the world was seriously mistaken. I have acquired a hardness and a disdain for people that I don't think any other experience could have effected.

In thinking about the hardest thing for me has been how I was treated by others and not knowing exactly what was done to me. I spent a lot of time trying to remember, trying to find out what happened. One of the hardest lessons for me was how most people are. I always knew there were rapists. I knew enough to realize that I had been raped but I didn't realize how most people were. It surprised me how little humanity or ethics or independent thought. There are people who are afraid of these people and justifiably so but I would never cooperate with these people specially because I have been victimized. That there were people who knew and thought it was funny that I was drugged and assaulted, that there were people who believed whatever he and the rest of the psychos was spewing.
At the beginning, I kept busy constantly in order to avoid thinking. I went out shopping to keep busy which is not really like me. Getting the house done was pretty absorbing and kept me busy. I went on vacations etc. I even started dating the person I am still dating now. A bit of normalcy and sanity in a warped world. Get on with life.

I don't know if I would have processed it as I should if I had not things at work to keep me from leaving it behind. Most of it went over my head as I had no knowledge of what had happened or was happening. Soon I was feeling like I was in some sort of nightmare where you don't know what's going yet all of these people many of whom you never seen before are acting strange and you talk and no one listens and when they hear they are extracting some meaning that it doesn't have. I was bewildered but incidents and comments escalated to the point that it couldn't be I was being sensitive because of what happened or coincidence. A lot of these "incidents" made me afraid for my safety since these people's behavior didn't seem to depend on any encouragement from me and actually in the face of absolute rejection from me. I felt helpless. Powerlessness is the object of sexual assault. And power is what needs to be regained in order to heal. I guess spiking someone's drink and sexually assaulting them knowing that they are unable to defend themselves during or after the attack because they can't remember makes for a very rewarding experience for a rapist. I feel that it is sad to have to drug a person in order to feel like a man but then I am not a rapist.
In waking hours I continued "normal" at least from the outside but at night I started waking up at around 3am crying like it was the end of the world. No thoughts no other emotion. Also a recurring nightmare about an evil presence in my room and I can't wake to get away. I go along like this for months and finally I have difficulty keeping myself together at other times. I begin researching rape trauma syndrome and begin understanding what I am going through and that I am not unusual at all. Eventually, I go to a therapist and that helps some as going to the police and Article 32, from an emotional point of view. I hoped that that would be the end of it. Instead stolen keys, phone etc right after reporting. I expect more of the same or worse after this blog but it is a great unburdening for me, like a final cleansing. To stand up for myself. I am in a much stronger emotional state now and whatever ends up happening will just have to be. Every time I am pushed I will push back. I am one against many and underhanded cowards to boot but I will not be afraid anymore.

Later, I researched perpetrators. I have to understand and to know. I guess it is part of who I am and how I handle things. I changed therapist and with the new therapist I resolved a lot of the emotions rather than intellectualizing and being analytical which is fine except I was using it as a way of not dealing with the emotions. I was always a repressor by nature, soldier on through whatever regardless. I had and have a lot of difficulty with anger and confrontation. I am improving in that regard. This blog should start the process through that. I have processed and reprocessed the same things in different ways at different times. You'll think you're done with it and there it is again. There is just so much you can handle at one time.

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