Monday, June 22, 2009

Letter to a Rapist

Who could believe that one single day could change so much? My primary mistake was thinking that that night was it and how much could that affect me if I don‘t remember it and a criminal wasn't going to advertise his crime. It is the typical misunderstanding of what motivates people like you and how a person reacts that has been violated. You go around pretending I am your girlfriend to cover up what you did and making up disgusting stories and of course to boast so how else are you going to justify it. Very clever. How many times have you made up that excuse and not that that excuses anything much less drugging and raping someone. Nasty pathetic man with made up girlfriends whom he actually drugged up to rape them. I don't even think you pretend to yourself that your rape victims are your girlfriends. You get off on further insulting your victims by getting other people to believe that they are or were your girlfriend. It is actually part of the rape.
At the beginning, I thought fine I’ll just wait it out. Who’s going to actually believe this stuff? It was quite a while before I found out I was supposed to be your girlfriend. The recording of the phone call proves that is not the case. You STILL had no right even if I had been so stupid as to have been your girlfriend. You were inciting others to rape me again by your lies. You unleashed all the stupid adolescent stuff and the downright scary stuff from your kind and the rest of the sterling males of this airline that have been a part of my work life since I was unfortunate enough to have become a target for you and your cronies. It was a while before I realized there were cronies too. So much sickness. You were the only one present before I was drugged and when I woke up so it's you that I can name, as for the rest, I don't know what the truth is and what is meant as psychological abuse.

In the past, you would have simply been called evil. But today we avoid the moral judgment and call you mentally ill. You are a rapist and a certain type of stalker. I can’t figure what motivates you. Perhaps a deep sense of inadequacy? You could have just walked away like you have before. The women are nearly always silent. You are a very good liar and manipulator but you know the truth. You don’t believe your own lies. I would not be forced to be your “girlfriend” like the others. That really pissed you off, didn’t it? How dare little Ana reject the “great” Michel Quilis. You are truly deluded. Your girlfriend? That really pisses me off. I have no such self-esteem problems. Did you actually think you were going to see me again? You underestimated me if you were hoping that what you and your cronies did in order to psychologically undermined me, would destroy me. You do not define me. You are just a pathetic little man who can only get off by drugging a woman specially a woman that won’t have him because she considers him a dirt bag and a freak which by most people’s standards he is. Tell me what is it about you that any woman would want? You find it necessary to drug a woman so you already know the answer to that.

In the final analysis, rape is about power. Why wasn’t I crying, carrying on, screaming “rapist”. Why wasn’t I looking miserable and acting hysterical. How dare I not be affected by Michel Quilis! I was ruining the power trip. Hmm, she can’t remember. I can force her to be my girlfriend. Oh no, she can’t get away from me fast enough so it is necessary to do more to make her miserable. It went beyond discrediting me so I wouldn’t be believed, after all, it was what finally drove me to action. And they say rape is not about power. If it was about sex, he would have tried to have sex by asking me and maybe I would have said yes. I would like to think that if I gotten to know this person I would have had enough sense to say no. If it was about sex, he would have left me alone after he raped me. If it was about sex, he would have come after me just enough to scare me into silence. I wasn’t talking so that wouldn’t have taken much effort.

It was really hard to deal with finding out everything that I believed the world and most people to be was absolutely wrong. I always knew there were people like you. I just never knew there were so many just plain rotten people who pretend to themselves and others that they are decent human beings. Ninety percent of people take the shape of the container in which they are poured. No ethics, no morals, no boundaries, no limits. It was painful to restructure my world view. It was even harder to come to terms with the fact that I’ll never know what happened.

I’ll tell you the positive things this experience has done for me. I trust myself completely now like I never have before. I do not respect authority as I have seen that there is no ethics or even simple humanity. I doubt everyone and everything that anyone has to say. I no longer feel I must be polite regardless. I also realize that my upbringing of keeping my emotions hidden and being slow to react has done well by me. I was always very independent but now I am where no one can get to me. I am no longer affected by what other people think. Sure I feel it and get angry but it passes quickly. I KNOW and the time will come when they'll know. I value my own character upon realizing that honesty, compassion, simple decency and empathy is not such common thing after all. I also value much more those people who have shown to me that they are people of character. The rest I discard.

You have found the most congenial place for your pathology. No where else will what is to your advantage coincide with the interests of so many of your coworkers and of a company. It took me a long time to realize I was not up against the one lone psycho. Who could believe such a thing? Good for you that you have so many willing to cover for you here at this Airline. But one day they will all melt away from you for the same reason they aid you now to hide their own corruption. I suppose you will take them down with you. One day you will overdose someone and they will die. One day there will be another one just like me. I am on the record and I will contribute my testimony to your conviction. I hope that everyone receives everything they deserve. God's will be done. Nothing lasts forever.

I guess this therapeutic exercise of writing a letter to the rapist is more a letter to rapists. Apparently, what has happened to me is common enough. Again rape is not sex because sex is by definition consensual and enjoyable to both parties and naturally both parties must be conscious and aware so slipping someone a mickey and then claiming consent because they did not resist does not qualify. The issue is woman hating and feelings of inferiority.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Pornographic video

I don't know what's going on here at the asylum for the criminally insane. I have a feeling this is some kind of game for someone(s). The object is perhaps to shut me up. You've succeeded with the DVD if the intent was to shock me. It is just more harassment that to me indicates you've got nothing better than a clip downloaded from the Internet. It is not scaring me anymore. I don't believe you. It endlessly surprises me how many people are willing to participate in this insanity.
Somebody placed a DVD containing a pornographic clip of a woman with three men plus some other odd, threatening and creepy stuff in my suitcase during or after a flight. I thank that person no matter what motivated them. I am guessing that this is supposed to either play with my mind and fears or show me what is being passed around and purported to be me. It is hard to respond to what you don't know exists and what in fact may not exist. It is hard to respond to what someone says you did when you don't know what they are saying you did and in fact when it didn't happen. The last thing I expected was the rapist to go on and on boasting about what he did (and didn't do) however reformatted his take on it was. It shows how sure he and the rest of them are that they can do whatever they want with impunity. They are right.

I thought of the possible implications of having such a DVD placed in my bag, that the woman has a general resemblance to me, and that the woman is not me. It hit me that this is what has been going on. This is what I've been told about. Clever choice brief, a face that is only glimpsed and a shocking content that would advert most women's eyes and draw many men's eyes to the exclusion of any other detail. It looks rather painful as well. This said to me that if he has to use a fake tape to terrorize me then whatever he has or can show from that night is not convincing enough probably showing a drugged woman. Come on, why keep it a secret from me? Let me see it. Imagine how you would enjoy seeing my embarrassment but I guess it is fun that I don't know. There is nothing I can do anyway.
In rereading this I see some things. I had hoped that the DVD would be from my rape so I could find out what happened, that the contents of the DVD shocked me but it was not me and that some small part of me was still hoping things weren't as bad as I thought them.

I googled the "AirTight" pornographic clip. I thought air tight referred to aviation and/or farting. I found out that the sex act in that clip is also referred to as a Tupperware Party. Thank God I only use Pyrex, Anchorware or Martha Stewart glass containers and that "the Martha Stewart" does not refer to some depraved sexual act. I could have easily said I love Martha Stewart because I do love Martha Stewart. Some fool at work kept insisting about a Tupperware party not too long ago. I said do they still make Tupperware brand and have parties? I didn't want to be rude but I finally said I ONLY use Pyrex. I am sure the fool went on line to find out about Pyrex, FYI : a glass container suitable for heating food in the oven or microwave. No, Toto we are not in Kansas anymore. We are not EVEN in the same planet. I had to laugh about that one.

I must say that I don’t even get how anyone becomes addicted to porn after spending a couple of hours searching through this online porn crap for the amateur clip that was placed in my bag. True that I am searching for something and wondering how many of these women are actually victims though truthfully the vast majority seem to be professionals. I don't see how anyone becomes addicted. It gets old pretty quickly but I see how certain men end up moving on to doing more deviant criminal things because at first you are shocked, then you are like oh that again and finally yeah so what. Click. The pornography I found online was 99% demeaning to women. It promotes the view of females as objects for the male,s pleasure and their pleasure is not sex per se but abuse and humilation in the quest I suppose of feeling some kind of self worth and power. I am not surprised that things like rape clubs have become so prevalent.

Another of the things that amazed me during this whole nightmare. Why in the world would I bother pretending to be someone I am not? For whose benefit? I am a free woman I can do whatever I want but I don't want. I resent anyone saying that I do or pretending that I do for their own benefit. Sex has its place in life and for me that place is within a good relationship.

I am not the same person who was attacked and remained quiet hoping to be left alone, unable to respond, helpless to do anything, looking for help, thinking there would be help. I was a victim once and never again so if that was the aim there are no more tears here to see or shame for having being raped. What you have accomplished is letting me know that whatever you have from the night you drugged me is not good enough. It occurs to me that the point of letting me see this DVD was so that I would be embarrassed and ashamed thinking that other people believed that I was capable of something so disgusting. The fact is that I no longer care what anybody believes. I know the truth. I am only concerned for my physical safety. That's the reason I avoid pilots and certain male flight attendants as much as possible so as to make sure there is no misinterpretation of simple normal friendliness. Truthfully, I can't help but think about how they might be sickos too. There are just so many deviant rotten people in this airline.

I had begun to let go and simply leave my blog and testimony for a future victim to use. I was prepared to stop fighting and simply go to work and be oblivious but this DVD makes me rethink that. It doesn't consume me emotionally anymore the rape and its follow up psychological assault but it does seem that I am meant to continue this fight. No more shame and I should have knowns. I was naive precisely why I was targeted as a victim. I didn’t know what would happen then or after. Nobody actually believes that they are going to be drugged and assaulted until it happens to them. You always think that it is something that happens to someone else somewhere else. I was ill equipped to deal with so much evil.

None of that. It is all done with. Michel Quilis is a sick bastard but this has gotten way beyond him. He should have stuck to his usual drug ’em and rape ’em and keep it among the other sicko assholes. I am not going away so you better deal with it. I will continue to warn women. It works regardless of whether I am believed or not. I am drying up the victim pool. It will come around. I have never been the person that someone else wanted me to be. I am not going to be the good little victim. I will follow my path step by step to where God wants me to go. Perhaps for my own growth or to put an end to this evil or both.

Excellent helpful site:

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Airlines and sexual harassment

This article came to my attention about a predatory group. It is sad how many of these people are in the world.

and here is another

and another

I was naïve but not any more than most women. The kind of mindset to protect yourself from this kind of attack basically requires you to have gone through what I have and that mindset precludes trusting anyone. Never in my life would I have believed that there were more than a few rapists within this company and that they needn‘t hide their activities because they cover for each other and the airline covers for them as well. They make sure to make the women who report a rape, most of which involve the spiking of drinks, are portrayed as whores and/or nutcases or whatever plausible story the group can concoct. You are threatened with being raped again, mocked about the rape and that you don’t know who and what was done. All of it are techniques used to silence the victim, to provoke her into reactions that make her appear unreasonable and unstable, to keep her in fear, to isolate her, to reinforce her helplessness. It is their power trip. Only sexual assault victims and rapists know the damage caused by sexual assault.
I am still amazed at the A300 pilot who spent over ten minutes in the lavatory when we were in the middle of a first class service (necessary timing as to have no witnesses to contradict the lie since after the service there would be other flight attendants around). I thought I better spray room freshener in the lavatory because he must have a bad case of food poisoning, as it turns out there was no smell. Then I thought he was doing drugs in there. Later, I found out that this pilot was alleging that I had done something with him. I don’t know this person just like I don't know any of the others and there is no reason for him to do that or for me to imagine what he would do that. I had not told anyone about the rape yet (and had no intention of telling) so it was not part of the revenge for reporting.
I couldn't believe what had been happening. Why would a stranger bother to pretend something happened that did not? It couldn’t be because they thought I was falsely accusing Michel Quilis of rape because many of these incidents predate my having said anything to anyone. It wasn’t because they got any encouragement from me, in fact, in many of these incidents they never even bother hitting on me which would be the logical thing if you really believed you were going to get somewhere. Many times I have no idea who that person is or even met them for that matter. I only find out later from somebody what supposedly happened. It was only necessary to make it appear so. Why? What possible interest could those individuals have in making things appear a certain way. There is one explanation and that is that they shop at the same pharmacy and make the same use of certain kind of drugs as Michel Quilis. It would make sense as a defense except they were pretending long before there was anything to defend against. I hadn’t said anything, in fact, it was those very incidents and rumors that finally drove me to speak out. I know each and every one of these liars are part of the group that uses rape drugs on women and men.

I found out that taking a crew picture on a trip before the assault was the modus operandi for him and the other rapists. It provided the perfect cover making the victim look like she was on familiar terms with him when in reality she has just met him and then she was drugged and assaulted at the first opportunity the rapist could arrange. This airline wants desperately to keep the victims isolated so as to not find out that you are one of many and that’s just the ones who were harassed so badly that we were forced to step forward so you can just imagine how many more. What does the airline do about it? Nothing if not worse than nothing. The ‘confidentiality agreement” is illegal. We must speak.

Michel Quilis did a lateral transfer immediately after the Rule 32 complaint at a time when there were proffers galore, according to the company of his own volition, not that I was informed about it. Followed by his buddy bidder, Jimmy Duhig, on the next proffer. I think I would bid for the same proffer if I was planning to go to JFK with my buddy bidder. I found out that Jimmy Duhig was his buddy more than a year after the rape. The company would have talked to me about it if they had really believed him instead they refuse to tell me anything and he transfers “own his own“. Taking advantage of my naivety and emotional implosion. All I wanted was something to be done to stop him in what he was doing to me and to prevent more rapes.

You always wonder why this is happening to YOU. I have by speaking about me found out that there are others. I know of four bad cases like mine, another case which I doubt, and another case which I believe false. I could not imagine that an organization or anyone with an ounce of decency would allow this not just to continue but to actively work against the victims. Why not just go to the CIA and simply say we think we have problem? We have had a lot women coming to us with essentially the same story about being drugged and raped by flight attendants and/or pilots. Well, I guess it is all about past failure and the almighty dollar. Each person is morally responsible in the eyes of God. Someone told me that this airline likes to keep its problems in-house which would be fine if they were doing something about it; and, in the end, they don’t care after all we are the ones who are suffering not them. They are sitting on a powder keg of liability and that’s only for the failure to warn, never mind that they are digging themselves in deeper with each new victim that comes forward.

Look at this article.
The only reason Delta fired him was because it became public and they had to. I am sure just like at this airline there are many more like him still working there. They knew what this one particular individual was doing. They had several women put in complaints yet they alternately ignored and actively suppressed the whole thing. Their responsibility lies in their having been informed many times of drugs being used on crewmembers by crewmembers for the purposes of sexual assault. My only real expectation in informing the airline was to make them aware, stop him and have them take steps to warn of the danger so it wouldn‘t happen to anyone else. Yes naïve. It took me a long time to believe that most people would stand by and indeed some applauded and let evil continue unchecked. It amazed me the joy some people felt that I had been drugged and raped. I suppose they would be glad about any rape victim and any misfortune that befell anybody else. I am sure that the people at the office and the investigator had quite a good laugh at my expense. This need not have happened to me and need not happen to anyone else and it did and it has and it will again because these freaks are seeing no consequences for their actions. It is nauseating. The airline keeps the “investigations“ a secret so when your rapist claims that you are a whore or his girlfriend you cannot defend yourself and they can conveniently close the “investigation“ as a personal matter. Nothing more heinous to a rape victim than having her rapist allege he is her boyfriend and that what occurred was voluntary.

To those of you who can fanthom not having any memory of the rape. Ever had surgery? Try really hard to remember the actual surgery. Recalled anything yet? I only hear what some people tell me and I do not know which of all the things that are being said to me is the truth. I thought it is impossible to have this number of rapists in one place. It is a contagious disease that infects an astounding number given that most people are like liquid that takes the shape of the vessel they are poured into. What does it matter if they drug a human being? A woman is just an object and she can't remember the actual assault so no worries about getting caught. I say buy yourselves an inflatable doll, freaks.

When will I get over it? When the rapists are gone. When I come to work and don’t have to endure people refer to things I have no knowledge of and did not participate in. When I FEEL like it. No, it is not acceptable.
I can’t say that I am not human and wish the worst on all rapists and the people who allow them to continue raping. I am putting this testimony online as a guide for a victim and as support for whatever legal/criminal cases come up in the future. I wish I had had something like my blog. It would have all gone differently but the Lord works in mysterious ways and this may be a way of casting a wider net for all guilty parties, to end this ever worsening spiral of individual and institutional violence against women. Words are weapons too. Empires have been brought down by words and the information they convey. My cause is the prevention of rape and the punishment of rapists just like people who have had cancer are active in its prevention and treatment. Although, frankly there should be Raped Clubs just like there are Rape Clubs.