Monday, June 22, 2009

Letter to a Rapist

Who could believe that one single day could change so much? My primary mistake was thinking that that night was it and how much could that affect me if I don‘t remember it and a criminal wasn't going to advertise his crime. It is the typical misunderstanding of what motivates people like you and how a person reacts that has been violated. You go around pretending I am your girlfriend to cover up what you did and making up disgusting stories and of course to boast so how else are you going to justify it. Very clever. How many times have you made up that excuse and not that that excuses anything much less drugging and raping someone. Nasty pathetic man with made up girlfriends whom he actually drugged up to rape them. I don't even think you pretend to yourself that your rape victims are your girlfriends. You get off on further insulting your victims by getting other people to believe that they are or were your girlfriend. It is actually part of the rape.
At the beginning, I thought fine I’ll just wait it out. Who’s going to actually believe this stuff? It was quite a while before I found out I was supposed to be your girlfriend. The recording of the phone call proves that is not the case. You STILL had no right even if I had been so stupid as to have been your girlfriend. You were inciting others to rape me again by your lies. You unleashed all the stupid adolescent stuff and the downright scary stuff from your kind and the rest of the sterling males of this airline that have been a part of my work life since I was unfortunate enough to have become a target for you and your cronies. It was a while before I realized there were cronies too. So much sickness. You were the only one present before I was drugged and when I woke up so it's you that I can name, as for the rest, I don't know what the truth is and what is meant as psychological abuse.

In the past, you would have simply been called evil. But today we avoid the moral judgment and call you mentally ill. You are a rapist and a certain type of stalker. I can’t figure what motivates you. Perhaps a deep sense of inadequacy? You could have just walked away like you have before. The women are nearly always silent. You are a very good liar and manipulator but you know the truth. You don’t believe your own lies. I would not be forced to be your “girlfriend” like the others. That really pissed you off, didn’t it? How dare little Ana reject the “great” Michel Quilis. You are truly deluded. Your girlfriend? That really pisses me off. I have no such self-esteem problems. Did you actually think you were going to see me again? You underestimated me if you were hoping that what you and your cronies did in order to psychologically undermined me, would destroy me. You do not define me. You are just a pathetic little man who can only get off by drugging a woman specially a woman that won’t have him because she considers him a dirt bag and a freak which by most people’s standards he is. Tell me what is it about you that any woman would want? You find it necessary to drug a woman so you already know the answer to that.

In the final analysis, rape is about power. Why wasn’t I crying, carrying on, screaming “rapist”. Why wasn’t I looking miserable and acting hysterical. How dare I not be affected by Michel Quilis! I was ruining the power trip. Hmm, she can’t remember. I can force her to be my girlfriend. Oh no, she can’t get away from me fast enough so it is necessary to do more to make her miserable. It went beyond discrediting me so I wouldn’t be believed, after all, it was what finally drove me to action. And they say rape is not about power. If it was about sex, he would have tried to have sex by asking me and maybe I would have said yes. I would like to think that if I gotten to know this person I would have had enough sense to say no. If it was about sex, he would have left me alone after he raped me. If it was about sex, he would have come after me just enough to scare me into silence. I wasn’t talking so that wouldn’t have taken much effort.

It was really hard to deal with finding out everything that I believed the world and most people to be was absolutely wrong. I always knew there were people like you. I just never knew there were so many just plain rotten people who pretend to themselves and others that they are decent human beings. Ninety percent of people take the shape of the container in which they are poured. No ethics, no morals, no boundaries, no limits. It was painful to restructure my world view. It was even harder to come to terms with the fact that I’ll never know what happened.

I’ll tell you the positive things this experience has done for me. I trust myself completely now like I never have before. I do not respect authority as I have seen that there is no ethics or even simple humanity. I doubt everyone and everything that anyone has to say. I no longer feel I must be polite regardless. I also realize that my upbringing of keeping my emotions hidden and being slow to react has done well by me. I was always very independent but now I am where no one can get to me. I am no longer affected by what other people think. Sure I feel it and get angry but it passes quickly. I KNOW and the time will come when they'll know. I value my own character upon realizing that honesty, compassion, simple decency and empathy is not such common thing after all. I also value much more those people who have shown to me that they are people of character. The rest I discard.

You have found the most congenial place for your pathology. No where else will what is to your advantage coincide with the interests of so many of your coworkers and of a company. It took me a long time to realize I was not up against the one lone psycho. Who could believe such a thing? Good for you that you have so many willing to cover for you here at this Airline. But one day they will all melt away from you for the same reason they aid you now to hide their own corruption. I suppose you will take them down with you. One day you will overdose someone and they will die. One day there will be another one just like me. I am on the record and I will contribute my testimony to your conviction. I hope that everyone receives everything they deserve. God's will be done. Nothing lasts forever.

I guess this therapeutic exercise of writing a letter to the rapist is more a letter to rapists. Apparently, what has happened to me is common enough. Again rape is not sex because sex is by definition consensual and enjoyable to both parties and naturally both parties must be conscious and aware so slipping someone a mickey and then claiming consent because they did not resist does not qualify. The issue is woman hating and feelings of inferiority.

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