Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Pornographic video

I don't know what's going on here at the asylum for the criminally insane. I have a feeling this is some kind of game for someone(s). The object is perhaps to shut me up. You've succeeded with the DVD if the intent was to shock me. It is just more harassment that to me indicates you've got nothing better than a clip downloaded from the Internet. It is not scaring me anymore. I don't believe you. It endlessly surprises me how many people are willing to participate in this insanity.
Somebody placed a DVD containing a pornographic clip of a woman with three men plus some other odd, threatening and creepy stuff in my suitcase during or after a flight. I thank that person no matter what motivated them. I am guessing that this is supposed to either play with my mind and fears or show me what is being passed around and purported to be me. It is hard to respond to what you don't know exists and what in fact may not exist. It is hard to respond to what someone says you did when you don't know what they are saying you did and in fact when it didn't happen. The last thing I expected was the rapist to go on and on boasting about what he did (and didn't do) however reformatted his take on it was. It shows how sure he and the rest of them are that they can do whatever they want with impunity. They are right.

I thought of the possible implications of having such a DVD placed in my bag, that the woman has a general resemblance to me, and that the woman is not me. It hit me that this is what has been going on. This is what I've been told about. Clever choice brief, a face that is only glimpsed and a shocking content that would advert most women's eyes and draw many men's eyes to the exclusion of any other detail. It looks rather painful as well. This said to me that if he has to use a fake tape to terrorize me then whatever he has or can show from that night is not convincing enough probably showing a drugged woman. Come on, why keep it a secret from me? Let me see it. Imagine how you would enjoy seeing my embarrassment but I guess it is fun that I don't know. There is nothing I can do anyway.
In rereading this I see some things. I had hoped that the DVD would be from my rape so I could find out what happened, that the contents of the DVD shocked me but it was not me and that some small part of me was still hoping things weren't as bad as I thought them.

I googled the "AirTight" pornographic clip. I thought air tight referred to aviation and/or farting. I found out that the sex act in that clip is also referred to as a Tupperware Party. Thank God I only use Pyrex, Anchorware or Martha Stewart glass containers and that "the Martha Stewart" does not refer to some depraved sexual act. I could have easily said I love Martha Stewart because I do love Martha Stewart. Some fool at work kept insisting about a Tupperware party not too long ago. I said do they still make Tupperware brand and have parties? I didn't want to be rude but I finally said I ONLY use Pyrex. I am sure the fool went on line to find out about Pyrex, FYI : a glass container suitable for heating food in the oven or microwave. No, Toto we are not in Kansas anymore. We are not EVEN in the same planet. I had to laugh about that one.

I must say that I don’t even get how anyone becomes addicted to porn after spending a couple of hours searching through this online porn crap for the amateur clip that was placed in my bag. True that I am searching for something and wondering how many of these women are actually victims though truthfully the vast majority seem to be professionals. I don't see how anyone becomes addicted. It gets old pretty quickly but I see how certain men end up moving on to doing more deviant criminal things because at first you are shocked, then you are like oh that again and finally yeah so what. Click. The pornography I found online was 99% demeaning to women. It promotes the view of females as objects for the male,s pleasure and their pleasure is not sex per se but abuse and humilation in the quest I suppose of feeling some kind of self worth and power. I am not surprised that things like rape clubs have become so prevalent.

Another of the things that amazed me during this whole nightmare. Why in the world would I bother pretending to be someone I am not? For whose benefit? I am a free woman I can do whatever I want but I don't want. I resent anyone saying that I do or pretending that I do for their own benefit. Sex has its place in life and for me that place is within a good relationship.

I am not the same person who was attacked and remained quiet hoping to be left alone, unable to respond, helpless to do anything, looking for help, thinking there would be help. I was a victim once and never again so if that was the aim there are no more tears here to see or shame for having being raped. What you have accomplished is letting me know that whatever you have from the night you drugged me is not good enough. It occurs to me that the point of letting me see this DVD was so that I would be embarrassed and ashamed thinking that other people believed that I was capable of something so disgusting. The fact is that I no longer care what anybody believes. I know the truth. I am only concerned for my physical safety. That's the reason I avoid pilots and certain male flight attendants as much as possible so as to make sure there is no misinterpretation of simple normal friendliness. Truthfully, I can't help but think about how they might be sickos too. There are just so many deviant rotten people in this airline.

I had begun to let go and simply leave my blog and testimony for a future victim to use. I was prepared to stop fighting and simply go to work and be oblivious but this DVD makes me rethink that. It doesn't consume me emotionally anymore the rape and its follow up psychological assault but it does seem that I am meant to continue this fight. No more shame and I should have knowns. I was naive precisely why I was targeted as a victim. I didn’t know what would happen then or after. Nobody actually believes that they are going to be drugged and assaulted until it happens to them. You always think that it is something that happens to someone else somewhere else. I was ill equipped to deal with so much evil.

None of that. It is all done with. Michel Quilis is a sick bastard but this has gotten way beyond him. He should have stuck to his usual drug ’em and rape ’em and keep it among the other sicko assholes. I am not going away so you better deal with it. I will continue to warn women. It works regardless of whether I am believed or not. I am drying up the victim pool. It will come around. I have never been the person that someone else wanted me to be. I am not going to be the good little victim. I will follow my path step by step to where God wants me to go. Perhaps for my own growth or to put an end to this evil or both.

Excellent helpful site: http://www.sexualharassmentsupport.org/

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