Monday, May 10, 2010

Letting go

Letting go has been a dreaded thing because of my mistaken belief that evil should be stopped and to let go represented some kind of permission and acceptance of evil. I cannot expect people who commit this kind of crime to realize and repent for what they have done. I cannot expect anybody to help me. I cannot help myself because I do not know what happened or know who else so I don't know what to address and who else to ask. I cannot expect a corporation to have any ethics or humanity and stop the sexual harassment. Victims can sue and rapists can't. Just another injustice where the evil write the history and the victims are not even acknowledged. I can only heal myself and go on with my life. I am letting go even though the harrassment continues.

Sadly, I am the one who doesn't know what was done to me and doesn't have an idea of what is in those pictures or whatever it is that is being used to harrass me. It took me a while to come to that realization both from an emotional blockage and from simply not having any memory after having been drugged and naturally assuming that a criminal would not advertise his crime. It was just too horrible to contemplate. I can accept it now even though I still do not know what happened or whether there was more than one attacker although from what I hear there were. I was in disbelief for a long time.

I am helpless against a group of people of whom I only know the person who drugged me. I am helpless because I can be looking at them in the face and I do not know who they are. I am helpless against stalking. I helpless against people who are so evil that they are able to manipulate against the victim with the very crime they committed, I am helpless against people who unquestioningly accept what these people say and do not think for themselves. I am helpless because I do not know what happened. I am helpless against a corporation whose only interest is avoiding being sued because what is happening is so widespread and so horrific. I still don't understand why they don't simply try to remedy the source of the problem and not the results perhaps because they are up to their necks in the shit. You have to trust in that God will take care of things.

I know these rapists will continue to assault any unfortunate woman or man they can drug. This blog was from my perspective as I came to realization of what the overall thing was which I could not have imagined from the beginning as what happened to me and others is out of insane minds. It doesn’t matter what anybody chooses to believe and that these people's lies are believed. Time will tell because none of these rapists are going to stop and as usual they will get away with it for many years but there will come a time when they won’t and I want that victim(s) to have my testimony so that they have knowledge and they are able to defend themselves. I refuse to be intimidated anymore. I free myself of this nightmare. The harassment and stalking will not make me suffer anymore. Nothing can be done to me that will make me a compliant victim or a mental case and if I am murdered as threatened by the DVD placed in my suitcase by one of the rape club members then I shall simply have to die. You have no power over me.

These rapist work by isolating the victim and discrediting her (or him too actually) by using the rape itself and by the victim‘s lack of memory of the actual rape. It is almost like domestic abuse except that the victim is a stranger and the perpetrators many and often unknown to the victim, actually that's called bullying, work mobbing, group stalking. I wonder if their wives are subjected to domestic abuse or if they unload their hatred of women and inferiority complex on strangers. They must really get off on that more than on the rape. These are real cowards even for rapists because they must drug their victims to rape them thus assuring their anonymity and safety. Rape is not for sex but for the power of destroying someone or trying to anyway.
The MO is to use pictures obtained during the rape to harass, intimidate, control and further abuse the victim and to give the victim a reputation to hurt her credibility. They can lie and I have limited information. They are many and unknown.
"It is very tempting to take the side of the perpetrator. All the perpetrator asks is that the bystander do nothing. He appeals to the universal desire to see, hear, and speak no evil. The victim, on the contrary, asks the bystander to share the burden of the pain. The victim demands action, engagement, and remembering." Judith Herman, M.D.

I resent that my privacy has been taken from me and not only because of those pictures and unbearable attention they bring but because I am forced to talk publicly about my rape. And yes I resent that I don't even know what's in those pictures or who aside from Michel Quilis. I resent that nobody has had the decency to give those to me so I can turn them over to the police. The question also becomes when rape and harassment won't be enough and the assaults progress to beatings and then murder for some future victim as serial rapists and criminals generally need more to achieve whatever it is that they get out of their crimes.

It is very painful for me. I let go because I have to for my own physical and psychological well being. I cannot forgive the unforgivable. Enough has been taken from me. My soul remains whole. My faith in God remains. Nobody can escape judgment from God.

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