I have been told that rapists get off on the pain that I have expressed here so I shouldn’t write this blog. I don't care what pathetic, disgusting little men who rape and the rest of them think or feel. I realize that I am not an individual or a human being for that matter and it was just a matter of opportunity that ended up in my being the particular victim this time but it was going to be someone and there have been many someones. So the rapists and others are welcomed to whatever enjoyment they derive from this because they simply do not matter. The truth is the truth is the truth and I'll stand by it because it will one day be of use. There is a gap for accounts of a drugged rape in the victim‘s voice with the particular terror of not knowing what was done to you and even more when the victimization continues with harassment. The victimization that has followed had far more impact on me than the rape since I cannot remember the actual rape. Funny, how most rape victims desperately try not to remember and drugged rape victims desperately want to remember. And how the not knowing allows the rapist to make up all kinds of scenarios that you have to wonder if they occurred because you do not know what happened while you were drugged. Most women who are sexually assaulted do nothing and if nothing else happens then they just put everything away. But that shit corrodes its holder often resulting self-destructive behaviors. I wonder how differently the rape would have affected me if the harassment at work had not occurred. All those people that think it not such a big deal to be raped are mistaking rape for sex and rape as a purely physical violation, which is ironically the easiest part to heal from.
The power for rapists lies in their being able to blame the victim (and in society’s compliance and in badgering the victim into silence. So as victims we need to rebel against society and loudly say I was a victim, it does not define me and I don't care what anyone believes. This will go a long way in empowering victims and taking some of the reward for rape from the rapist.
One tends to think of rape as a finite sexual assault but a lot of times, the physical rape is just the beginning of psychological "rape" specially if your assailant is a part of your work or social circle putting you in a no-win situation in which your silence won't protect you and reporting to your employer only leads to your employer encouraging the Rape Club to continue their harassment in the form of smear campaign of the victim. The rapist will continue to victimize you by harassing you and ruining your personal and professional reputation. You think that the rape was it but it turns out to be the beginning and you wonder why a stranger would want to do that to you. It is hard to explain what being subjected to these kinds things does to you. After the rape itself, just a lot of disbelief and numbness but later as I experienced the bullying I’ve come to know hatred, anger, disdain, repulsion, disgust and not just for the rapist and yes self-doubt, wondering what is so wrong with me that this is happening to me, what did I do in this life or maybe in another life that is so horrible that I deserve this hell.
The harassment is psychological and emotional rape so these creeps are really in paradise.
Rape is a hate crime. It is hatred of women and how victims are treated is symbolic of the status of women in the world. It is the view that women are not human beings only objects. Many women are raised to be good, to suffer in silence, to expect others to solve our problems and this is how we ought to not raise our daughters. The culture is inbued with the indoctrination of fairy tales, movies, love songs, etc. Marriage is looked at as some sort of female invention that women should want when in reality it is a male necessity. How else would they get a woman to bear their children, assure themselves that their DNA lives on. I am not even going to discuss TV land with its holographic simplistic portrayal of life that seems so real and it is so far from reality fostering mistaken beliefs about what really happens when a crime occurs and other things as well. The CSI fantasy.
Rape just triggers the crisis that brings all your beliefs about yourself and the world out and forces you to examine them. Other people can experience the same thing to some degree with other kinds of violations such as identity theft, a loved one murdered, anything that is painful that you cannot disappear from, cannot do anything about, is clearly wrong yet you are the one who is mistreated because of it and then you find out the reality of what the majority of the world and its denizens are: perpetrators and cooperators. The harassment keeps you from locking the rape up in a box in your mind, throwing away the key and not dealing with it. The rape shatters you not because of the physical act of which you have no knowledge because of the drug but of your powerlessness and what it says about you because you became a target. Why didn't you realize this was going to happen? Why didn't you react differently? What did you do wrong to have this happen to you? It is not that someone put their penis in you against your will but that with that you realize that the world is not what you thought it was, that you have no rights, no safety, that whatever rules you followed and were supposed to keep you safe are an ilusion, that there are no laws, standards, ethics, or common decency. That the nasty people are not just the rapists. Decent people abide by certain standards with the expectation that others will abide too and will be dealt with if they don't. The whole thing is an illusion. You only find out when something happens to you. Rape, identity theft, all of these things are done with impunity. The consequences are only for the victim not for the perpetrators. Disbelief, numbness, revulsion, fear, disgust, distrust, hate, anger. These are the feelings and not only about the rapist's actions. The truth doesn't matter, what I say, who I am, what I do is nothing against that monster's and his nasty friend's lies and harassment. Who will be next?
Encouraging victims to come forward is presented as getting help for yourself. Do so knowing that it will be worse for you. There will be no positive or even neutral outcome 99% of the time and it is better to make decisions based on reality. Few rapes are reported and fewer result in any sort of consequence for the rapist. Frankly, the approach to rape is to blame the victim because it serves everyone's interests. The rapist's lies will be believed and the truth you speak will be disregarded because it is easier and more convenient. Mainly, I feel telling the truth regardless is important for our own mental health and self-respect, speak it and refuse to be cowed by the criminals. It is better for you than pretending that everything is all right. It is a very difficult thing to do and I hid too and only spoke out of necessity. I deferred to other's judgment that I should ignore it, pretend I knew, pretend it didn't affect me and in doing so it would make it go away -internally and externally. Victims' speaking out removes the shame and self-blame, the feeling that there is something wrong with you because you were selected for victimization and you "should have known what was going to happen" that victims feel and are made to feel by others, in essence, silencing you and silence is colluding with your own victimizers. There will be real consequences for your being unwilling to be a good little victim -you are inconvenient for everyone.
The company's approach to the rapes and harassment of the rape victims is to simply refuse to acknowledge it. They even got me to write down that I regreted having come to the company with what the rapist and his cronies were doing to me at work. I had already realized that the rapists were protected and there would not even be an attempt to stop the psychos from continuing and that's why I wrote the letter to the DVD threat. I am helpless against a gang of rapists who have no fear of any consequences for their actions and who are cowards that hide in the safety of anonymity because you do not know who they are. There is always God but those people are godless maybe the Devil will have his due.
I am sure that the porn/threatening DVD incident was not investigated but I was, although, that I was raped never seem to be in question only that I deserved it or knowingly ingested a spiked drink, in other words, how what happened was my fault so shut up and take it. And that I was overreacting to the contents of the DVD i.e. a porn clip of woman and three men doing what I didn't even know was possible to do, a picture of a corpse with a large stick up his privates, a picture of bones in the woods -the kind they might find when they find the remains of a murdered woman, a recording of a woman calling the police and a bunch of clips of animals having sex, and a file on whistleblowers. That DVD placed in my bag is specifically meant to be mocking, threatening and secondary wounding as well as basic sexual harassment since there is nobody on this earth that would not find this DVD at the very least inappropriate, instead, I am asked why I find it offensive and scary. I wasn't even asking for acknowledgement only that something be done in what is their responsibility which is the sexual harassment at work.
My suspicion is that that DVD came from Corporate Security.
It is not surprising that rape and other behaviors are on the rise as there are no consequences. The fact is the rapists are free to do what they want but at least I won't be complicit in my own victimization and in the future victimizations of others. I'll have no guilt for not having stood up for myself and for not doing something to stop it from happening to others. The difference between now and two hundred years ago or a thousand years ago is that everybody knew the truth of how things were and people knew exactly where they stood. A little interesting tidbit that I picked up I don't know where in my reading, the Inuit were asked if they had a word for the type of individual we call a psychopath and they did then they were asked what they did about such individuals and they replied that someone would push him into the water when noone was looking.
I just couldn't imagine that these people are protected. The official stance is it is just another little woman who gives a shit what happens to her. Ignore charges of rape and horrific harassment. Lying little woman, a woman deserves to get raped, who cares anyway, isn't that always the case, a woman is not given any credence, a man say the sky is red and that's just the truth a woman says it's blue and she is suspect a liar, crazy or a whore. It is hard to be speaking and nobody is listening and people don't even have enough sense to look and think for themselves. It is hard to be invisible.